slight hopes; silent anwers

Amidst the high cause
the whirlpool drags me further into its funnel
angrily thrashing and swirling
pulling at wrists, hands and ankles
clinging sharply at all odds

we’ll bow our heads to the dismay
and pray for a sad requiem

looking downward where they had the seam
it came undone along with your heart
as it came rolling off your sleeve
your hands cold and clammy,
unable to understand such logic
unable to grasp the truth

I held out my hand so long, it fell to the floor
without a whisper, without a voice
discontent, but accepting.

Saturday morning

I want to believe there’s some good out there.
A good that has kindness and heart
where we’re intertwined into each others eyes
hearts in sync with friendship and devotion
A heart pure with good intentions
Mine’s still beating.

“Though we are not sure who we are, we keep our heads up.
Though we are not sure where we’re from, we keep our hearts up.
Though we are not sure when we’ll leave, we keep our heads up
Though we are not sure where we’ll go, we keep our hopes up.”
-The Last Lost Continent, La Dispute

Fast forward

‘We are not our losses, we are only the extent to which we love.’
-la dispute

Risk

If I think too far away
this may never come out right
and if I think too far behind
I might lose you in sight,
but I feel as though my heart will never allow my words
to express just how I feel tonight.
Tomorrow I won’t believe just what I want to speak right now
and yesterday came and went, too long to hold this heart
and I tried, to allow myself to never look away
oh this blushing feeling is all that remains
these butterflies are spinning around this hopeless feeling
surging through my unforgiving ways.
Oh do as they may, I’ve stopped a couple times along the way
not wanting to ever see the end
and feel this lonely feeling, whispering ever slightly saying
you won’t understand, but by God you’ll surely parish.
And I dismay. You’ve won this battle, sir but I hope to win the war
along side my confidence and strategic placement on my kitchen floor
I’ve laid out all my pieces and this business is too Risky.
Oh Europe, you are my weakness. There goes another man to Asia.

Yes.

I’m ready for a change.
I’m ready to feel happy and not worry about it.
This is what I need, I just need to motivate myself and keep with it.
I need this.

Life Happens

I miss all my close friends.
I miss having a best friend, one that I know will be there with me doing all sorts of crazy things.
I don’t know what happened. I guess life happened.
I keep going day by day feeling lonely with not as many people to talk to, but every time I try and start having friends around, my need for alone time increases.
I’m sorry.

Standing Still

I’m ashamed of

• how I don’t give myself enough credit
• my need to get recognition from others and still not believe it
• my inability to commit to anything, even my word doesn’t have enough clout to it anymore
• straying from God any chance I get and when I feel I really need him, come crawling back begging for my way to happen
• regretting most decisions

I’m proud of

• how strong a person I’ve become given the most saddest events in my life
• the love of Christ in my life and knowing, that even though I’m not the best follower, he still loves me.
• having the family that I have. We’re not as close anymore, but we’re just a phone call away.
• that I look like my mother and that I had her for as long as I did. She was the best person and kindest loving Christian woman you would have ever met, and I’m proud that she has influenced my life the way she has.

I come into contact with people directly and indirectly that permeate the love of Christ so much that I start to grow envious and jealous of such devotion, but I push that aside and try to better my relationship with Christ. I also want to be around those people, fellowship with them, be friends so I can reinforce myself and kept those with the same passion around… but of course that never works because I’m terrible at making friends/keeping friends and staying afloat in the light without some obstacle to throw me off. We’re born imperfect and that imperfection is my handicap and crutch sometimes.

If love finds me

I can’t be like you, I don’t want to just settle
settle for something that I don’t deserve
I deserve the best, but I’m not ready for the best
I still have things out there I want to do, want to see, want to be
I’ve had enough with the judgement, the scorning and rules
Rules that say I should be this way, to be normal and fit in.
but I am. I am normal, but special in my own way.
I’m not ready for commitment, not ready for that life
I’m not ready for my world to stop and stay in second drive
although I feel like I’m not going anywhere just yet
I know my future is waiting, I just need to be patient.

A Mountain of Laundry

A few things on the list:
I spent my fall break with my cousin hiking and searching for hookah lounges. We ended up at this shady place in Asheville, NC, but turns out they had the most amazing cooks(CUUUTTTEEE!!) and they made 5 star meals. It was incredible. I highly recommend going to The Admiral if you ever go to Asheville. Hiking was definitely above standards, driving through the Appalachian mountains on the Blue Ridge Parkway..well through the Blue Ridge mountains, but it’s part of the Appas. Got another nice state park sticker for my car. I’m setting a goal of collecting all state park stickers in my life time.. Wish me luck! Ps. North Carolina and South Carolina have no smoking ordinances.. no hookah

Second, Oct. 14th was AWFUL and WONDERFUL at the same time. First I thought I’d skip my classes that day because, quite frankly, I was exhausted from school and work. Nothing could ruin that day because I was going to see one of my most favorite bands, Local Natives, cuties with mustaches that play some great music along with The Union Line who I might say are a tad better. But karma told me I was an idiot for thinking such good thoughts and decided I was going to rear end someone. I didn’t even go shopping for something new to wear that night because it took forever to get things settled and might I add, down the road an accident happened and right in front of us because someone was checking out our accident, they smacked into someone in front of them. I went to the show anyway with Liz, I really needed to be happy that night and forget the afternoon. It worked, but effin Vanderbilt assholes made the show a bit unbearable… I really wish I could have met those guys, but everyone else had the same idea. Blake and Joe came to Waffle House with Liz and I, which was just icing on the cake!
Now I’m stuck without a car and so much homework piled up I can’t breathe, but you know, I don’t care. If I fail Physics I’ll just take it again. I’ll be at WKU for a long time, it’s whatevs.

All I want is to be at the beach, listening to an acoustic song while staring into the embers of a bonfire. That’s where I belong.

Slumber Awaits
And all it takes is for long nights’ restless end
to come to terms with its forgetful friends
as time will pass we’ll see you send
a quiet note to those we met
Along the way I hope you dream of
precious times that we shared together
I might not be the one you think of
but I just want to see you sleep
below the stars and next to me.

We’re around here and there

I went to Germany for the real first time, being born there doesn’t count.
For a whole month, I was submersed into this culture of beauty and history. Once landing there, I was astonished by the large amounts of green scenery  brushed onto the landscape and a plethora of eco-friendly trash cans everywhere you go. My experiences there were very influential for my future and my interest back into German studies, but the longer I was there and the amount of time I had to be by myself at the end had taken a toll on my health and mind. I couldn’t speak or understand German, due to exhaustion and complete and utter overloading of things I’ve gained from the trip.
My favorite time was spent with my wonderful family. Since my mother passed away in 2005, we lost contact with her side. I think what the problem came to be was it was just too painful to visit those memories, especially for my dad. I started taking German classes for this special moment, but I never thought it would be like this. After a hilarious meet/intro to my grandparents house, I was completely surrounded by love. The pain was there, lurking back in the corners of eyes, my grandmother’s icy blue eyes, similar to mine, to be particular,and the teary-eyed good-byes from my Aunt Petra were all reminders that she wasn’t there. This visit was to reconnect and be a family again and it succeeded. Hopefully sometime later next year I’ll go back for a longer stay and feel that comfort and warmth again, only time will tell.